http://www.hayibo.com/media-tribunal-anc-rejects-banana-republic-accusation-says-sa-is-a-vegetable/

JOHANNESBURG. The ANC has angrily denied that its planned media tribunal will place South Africa firmly on course to becoming a banana republic, saying that the country is a vegetable and not a fruit.  Meanwhile, Minister of Voting Fodder, Blade Nzimande, has vowed to defend democracy even if it means forcing taxpayers to buy him another BMW.

The ANC’s proposed media tribunal would give the ruling party the power to silence journalists or newspapers deemed to be acting against the national interest, a process also known as “bananafication”.

However, at a press conference in the Joseph Stalin Memorial Sauna this morning, ANC spokesman Pogrom Phosa denied that bananafication had begun in South Africa.

“First up, gagging the press and arresting journalists has been perfected by some extremely advanced countries,” said Phosa.

“I mean, Nazi Germany made fabulous cars, and who doesn’t have a Krups coffee grinder these days?”

He added that Fascist Italy had “invented pizza and Swedish women with massive boobs standing in the Trevi Fountain”, while Soviet Russia had given the world the unabrow, the AK-47, and mail-order brides.

But, he said, the debate was irrelevant as South Africa was not bananafying but rather vegetating.

“We are not a banana republic. We are a vegetable. Like, er, broccoli.”

When it was put to him by a journalist that broccoli was universally hated, Phosa ordered that the reporter be Tazered in the genitals and sent for re-education in Polokwane.

Meanwhile, in other news, Minister of Voting Fodder, Blade Nzimande, who oversees the lobotomising of South Africa’s “tertiary students” in the country’s “universities”, has come out strongly in support of the proposed tribunal, vowing to defend democracy even it it means he has to force taxpayers to buy him another BMW.

Nzimande, who receives R2-million per year from taxpayers and owns four luxury vehicles, acknowledged that he was in the Cabinet without ever having contested an election.

But, he said, this was because elections were “just so flipping unpredictable”.

“Sometimes people forget where we’ve told them to make their X,” he explained. “Sometimes things go very badly wrong and the actual will of the people prevails.”

Nzimande told reporters that democracy needed to be protected against the total onslaught by the media, adding that once the media was silenced, the Alliance would move against other enemies of democracy such as elections, Parliament and democracy.

Asked what his vision of democracy looked like, Nzimande become misty-eyed and said, “Eastern Siberia, circa 1955. Good, good times.”

He added that while tertiary education was good for some things, like joining the ANC Youth League and spending 13 years doing a Social Science degree on a bursary, people’s real needs were few.

“All a patriot truly needs in life is a steady job, say in a salt mine, a Grade 5 education so he can count the tax we take from him, and a wife who can keep producing little baby Comrades every year or so.”